Babs

Chapter 1

    Babs Welfare was a chunky old lady with brown, graying hair that resembled a mouse’s fur, a cane, and a fat pet cat named Fifi.
    She lived on Amber Road in a two story pink house that had three bedrooms. One was Babs’s, the other was the guest bedroom, and the third was Babs’s study.
    One gray morning, Babs was in her kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, when her telephone rang. Babs grunted.
    “Eh, this early?” She picked up the phone.    “Hello?”
    Babs soon found out that she had to be the substitute at East Shore Elementary School.
    She went upstairs to get dressed. Fifi was stretched out on her bed.
    Looking through her closets, Babs picked out a lavender dress and a gray sweater. Then she went into her bathroom to put on her makeup.
    Fifi meowed to be let in.
    “No, Fifi! Last time I let you in here you drank from the toilet. No!”
    Fifi curled up dejectedly outside the shut bathroom door.
    Babs gave Fifi some more cat food, grabbed her purse, locked the door and went out to her car.
    It was a gold Honda, and it was very, very old.
    Babs peered at the directions to East Shore before zooming off.
    Suddenly, she was out in the county.
    “Now I must of taken a wrong turn…” Babs muttered to herself.
    She took a right and the paved road turned into a dirt road.
    “Oh, alphapha.”
    Babs glanced at her second hand plastic Mickey Mouse watch. (Her ex-boyfriend Moe had gotten it for her. You can probably guess why she dumped him.)
 The time said 9:15. School had already started.
    “Might as well go home,” Babs said to herself with a sigh.
    She did a U-turn (quite a sloppy one) and zoomed back the way she had came.
    Babs decided she might as well pick up some groceries on her way home, so she stopped at the market. She bought toothpaste, chocolate, coffee, sugar, butter, bread and cat food.
    Then she went for. Fifi was snuggled on the couch, enjoying a day of sleeping lazily without Babs there to yell at her (which she did very un often, but to Fifi it seemed like a lot).
    “Fifi!” Babs cried as soon as she unlocked the door and let herself in. Fifi jumped off the couch and rubbed herself against Babs’s short, meaty legs.
    “Aww, Fifi,” Babs said lovingly to the fat ball of fur that was down by her feet.
    For the rest of the day, Fifi and Babs enjoyed eating bonbons and lounging on the couch watching reruns of McGyver.
Chapter 2

    Babs felt the need to get out. Of her house. Now. She had been cooped up in her house for two weeks straight, and it was getting more claustrophobic by the second.
    Suddenly, one sunny morning, Babs had the idea to go to Germany. She packed her bags, and started walking east. It wasn’t long until she had walked a quarter of a mile from her house.
    “Hey! Lady!” A chubby man with a red face yelled at Babs. “Where za hell do you zink you are going?”
    “Shut up, Benjamin!” Babs yelled at Ben. “I’m walkin’ ta Germany; Don’t bother me. And that’s no way to talk to an old lady. B-T-W, or whatever the heck kids say these days…”
    Babs continued walking. Benjamin (who Babs knew from working at McDonalds back in the ‘70’s) stared as the lumpish figure of Babs got smaller and smaller as she walked farther down the dirt road.
    In about half an hour, Babs got tired of walking. Her feet hurt. She was out of breath. Her suitcase was getting heavy. She decided to rest a bit, then walk to the nearest bus stop and take a bus to the train station.
    She sat down on a grassy slope next to the road and took a piece of cheese and a lump of bread out of her shawl pocket. The bread was stale, so Babs wasted some time trying to gnaw her way through it. The cheese was good, though, and Babs slowly chewed each salty piece.
    In about twenty minutes, Babs was ready to hit the road. It was about 5:47 PM.
    “I have just enough time to catch the 6:00 bus,” Babs grunted to herself, pulling her shawl up close to her ears. The wind was nippy, and the air was chilled. It was sunny, though.
    “Kind of a tease,” Babs muttered, glancing up at the blue sky.
    She saw the bus station ahead. Babs ran as fast as she could (which was about as fast as a baby can when it starts walking) and was the last person on the bus.
    It was a public bus, and smelled of sweat, dirt, cigarettes and dirty diapers. Babs flopped down in the last available seat, which was next to a man who had tattoos up and down his arms and piercings in what seemed every possible space and a pregnant lady who looked as if she would rather be someplace else.
    Babs took a good look at everyone who was on the bus, searching for familiar faces. She found none. There was a collection of tired mothers with tired, whiney kids, homeless guys, teenagers with iPod ear buds stuck in their ears, and rich, snobby looking people who looked extremely out of place.

    An hour and a half later, Babs had bought a train ticket and had boarded the Cheapskate Express. Luckily, the train smelt like fake flowers, air freshener and plastic, unlike the stinky bus. Babs relaxed in her lumpy, uncomfortable seat and took a nap. It had been a big day.


Chapter 3

    When Babs woke up, she found the train was stopped. At it’s last stop. Babs had missed her stop.
    “Oh alphapha!” Babs thought to herself, gathering up her bag and shawl and rushing to get outside to the platform.
    “Excuse me!” She shouted at no one in particular. “Where am I?”
    “Lady, shill. You are in México!” A Hispanic boy yelled at Babs before ducking into the shadows.
    “Mexico?” Babs said to herself.
    She waddled along the platform until she reached a door. Babs pushed it open, and entered the world of Mexico. She heard passerby’s speaking fluent Spanish and Babs picked up a few words, such as “hola” or “adios”.
    “Excuse me! Where do I go? I’m lost! Somebody please help me!” Babs screeched.
    A few people stopped to stare. Others passed by without a glance.
    Babs hurriedly walked past them, hoping they would think it hadn’t been her who was yelling.
    “Babs?” Babs turned around, looking for the person that had said that.
    It was a familiar looking person; Babs definitely recognized her. It was her old friend Ruth, who had moved to Michigan two years ago.
    “Ruth! What in heavens are you doing here?” Babs asked in her rough voice, which sounded even rougher compared to Ruth’s high-pitched, squeaky voice.
    “Oh my goodness- I believe you’ve lost weight!” Ruth exclaimed.
    Babs looked down at her massive stomach and triple chins before shrugging.
    Ruth was as skinny as a stick, and her face had at least three inches of heavy makeup piled on her face.
    “You too, Ruthie,” Babs said in her fake-sweet voice.
    Ruth beamed.
    “Well now what? Where do I do?” Babs asked Ruth impatiently; tired of the phony attitude she and Ruth were giving each other.
    “Hmm…. Well, why don’t you come with me to my hotel?”  Ruth suggested.
     Babs grunted.

    Ruth took Babs to her hotel. This wasn’t any old hotel, either. It was the Wearerich Hotel Plaza; the finest hotel in all of Mexico (so Ruth told Babs). They took the elevator up to the 16th floor, where Ruth unlocked the door to her “room”. It was actually a full suite.
    “Wow, Ruth. What do you do for a living?” Babs asked, marveling at the fancy rugs, the full-size refrigerator, the golden toilet.
    “I work half time at the lemonade stand down the street from my house,” Ruth told Babs. “Also, my fiancé and I were going to go here for our honeymoon, but he’s home in Michigan with the flu. So here I am!” Ruth said modestly, her arms outstretched.
    “Ah. I see,” Babs said quietly.
    “Here, you can have this bed.” Ruth patted the king size bed next to hers.
    “Really? I can stay here?” Babs asked in shock. Ruth had never been this generous before.
    “As long as you need to! Well, actually until next Sunday because that’s when I’ll be checking out. I do hope that’ll be long enough for you, right?” Ruth asked worriedly.
    Babs nodded.
    “So, you never really told me what you’re here doing in Mexico. Why are you here?” Ruth asked Babs curiously.
    “Well, I attempted at going to Germany, but I… got off at the wrong stop,” Babs told Ruth, sitting down on her bed. Ruth was still standing, but then sunk into a chair with gold fabric covering it.
    “That’s great,” Ruth said, a pinched up smile on her face.
    “Well, that’s it. How have you been, Ruth? I haven’t seen you for so long.”
    “Good! Good, good good good. Gary and I are going to be married in a couple of months, so we’re getting all set for that,” Ruth said, a smile on her face.
    “How long have… Gary and you been together?” Babs asked, trying not to show her grimace.
    “A couple of weeks, really,” Ruth said, a serious expression on her face.
    “How did you meet?”
    “My favorite taco stand down by the gas station back home in Michigan.”
    “What’s he like?”
    “Well, he’s a guy and he wears clothes and- oh! I forgot to tell you! He has a blue shirt, and he has a green shirt, and he has a purple shirt, and he has a gray shirt, and he has an orange shirt, and-“
    Ruth was about to start naming the colors of Gary’s underwear before Babs cut her off.
    “Want to go out to dinner?” Babs asked.
    “Yeah! Let’s go get burritos. There’s this place about two blocks from here that sells the best bean burritos ever,” Ruth cried out, grabbing her hat and coat from the closet by the door. “I must warn you though- beans don’t do very much good to my stomach,” Ruth said apologetically.
    This time, Babs couldn’t help but grimace.
    Ruth giggled. It was a high pitched, annoying giggle.

    Twenty minutes later, Babs and Ruth were seated at a table in the restaurant, menus in hand.
    “I think I’ll have a margarita,” Ruth said fondly, looking down at her menu like it was a new born baby.
    “I’ll have a vodka,” Babs muttered.
    Ruth looked at her in surprise. “Vodka?” she asked.
    “Yes. That’s what I said, didn’t I? Vodka?” Babs said, as if challenging Ruth.
    Ruth backed down immediately and shrugged, turning back to her menu.
    “Heh,” Babs snorted.
    “Ready to order?” The waitress replied.
    “Yes- what do yah think?” Babs said to her, boring her right in the eye.
    “Oh, uh, okay. What can I get for you?” she asked nervously.
    “One vodka, one margarita, a bean burrito and- Ruth?” Babs said.
    “I’ll have a shicken enchilada,” Ruth said to the waitress.
    The waitress scribbled on a mini white notebook before scurrying off to tell the cook their orders.
    The two old ladies seemed to feel more comfortable now, as they settled into their chairs.
    Babs took a good look around the restaurant. The walls were bright colors of red and orange, and fake jalapeno peppers were strung from the ceiling. An overhead fan let a slight breeze blow through, despite the heat. The chairs and tables were brown wood, and the dilapidated paper menus looked as though they’d been used a lot.
    “So Babs, what’s your house like? Are you single?” Ruth said, putting her arm on the table and leaning on it.
    “Well, I live in a pink house with only my cat Fifi. It’s quite a pleasant neighborhood, despite some… annoying neighbors,” Babs said, an image coming to her mind of Benjamin and his drunken friends dingdong ditching every house on their block when Ben had his parties.
    “Aren’t you lonely, having nobody to go home to at night?!” Ruth cried.
    “I don’t mind being single. And besides, I have Fifi,” Babs said stiffly, adjusting herself in her chair.
    “Oh,” Ruth said, looking rather disappointed. Her shoulders even looked like they slouched the teensiest bit.
    “What’s your house like?” Babs asked.
    “Oh! It’s wonderful! It’s an old Victorian bungalow!” Ruth said very excitedly.
    Babs nodded, but inside she screamed. How could Ruth not know the definition of “bungalow” was a single-story house usually found in the South Pacific?
    “What does Gary do for a living?” She asked tightly.
    “He’s um, a plumber,” Ruth said matter-of-factly.
    Babs stared.

Fifteen minutes later, Babs and Ruth came to the conclusion that it was time to get back to the hotel. They each paid seperatly, but Ruth insisted on paying for a cab back home.
    “No, let’s just walk,” Babs grumbled. “it’s only what- two blocks?”
    “Oh, but I must pay for something… I know! How about I treat you to shopping tomorrow!” Ruth exclaimed.
    “WHAT?!” Babs yelled. “I am NOT the shopping type of person.”
    “Exactly; you need to experience it!” Ruth squealed delightedly.
    The next morning, Ruth got up bright and early and actually squealed Babs awake.
    Babs woke up to a screaming Ruth by her side and the sunlight streaming on the cot-from-the-closet-next-to-the-door-that-hotels-keep-incase-there’s-not-enough-beds.
    “Time to go SHOPPING!” Ruth said.
    Babs groaned, but got up, grabbed her suitcase and went to the bathroom to change.
    She pulled the other dress she had packed (a blue XXL sundress with yellow polkadots) with new underwear (white bloomers) and yesterday’s shoes (black size-5 sandals).
    Babs didn’t bother putting on any makeup, but she did stick a lipstick in her purse.
    “Babs, you look great! But   you’ll look even better after today,” Ruth winked.
    They caught a taxi out by the curb, and Ruth told the driver instructions on how to get to the closest mall.
    “Thank you!” Ruth cried to the driver, once they were let out in front of the mall.
    “Let’s go!” she said, turning to Babs.
   

    Four hours and twenty-five minutes later, Babs had a totally new wardrobe.
    Ruth had dragged her into an assortment of stores, such as Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, Wet Seal, Urban Outfitters, Victoria’s Secret, Anthropologie, Macy’s, Target and even Claire’s Accessories.
    And Babs didn’t spend a single penny. But on the way out, there was a homeless guy, so Babs threw him a dime.

    “Now I’m ready to go home!” Babs sighed in relief.
    “Only to drop this junk off,” Ruth said sternly. “Then we’re going back out for makeup.”
    Babs groaned a big, rumbly groan.

    Ruth dumped the contents of her shopping bag onto her hotel bed, sighing in content.
    “I love shopping,” she exclaimed.
    “Yeah… like I couldn’t tell already…” Babs hissed under her breath.
    “Babby dear, why don’t you make a list of all the stuff you got? It’s a good way to organize it so you don’t lose anything on the way home,” Ruth suggested, folding a new nightgown she had gotten from Victoria’s Secret.
    “Babby dear?” Babs repeated in utter shock.
    “Hmm?” Ruth squeaked, looking up from the blouse she was stuffing in her suitcase.
    “Never mind,” Babs replied, looking down in dread as she faced a pile of her new clothes, as well as a paper and pen.
    “Might as well get this over with,” Babs muttered.

Item:                                           Store:
Black dress                                Anthropologie
Skirt                                    Abercrombie & Fitch
Coat                                           Urban Outfitters
Nightgown                                  Target
Perfume                                     Macy’s
Earrings                                   Claire’s
Blouse                                        Target
High heels                                  Macy’s
Nail polish (red)                        Claire’s
Nail polish (clear)                     Claire’s

“There,” Babs said. “All done.”



Chapter 4


    The next day, Ruth told Babs she was going to give her a makeover.
 There had been some struggle, but in the end, Ruth had won.